Shocking new poll shows Cameron ahead of Miliband and Miliband ahead of Cameron

With so many pollsters polling and psephologists psephologising, I thought I’d run my own poll and psephologise over the results:

My independent poll of the public’s attitudes to David Cameron and Ed Miliband clearly shows that:

Cameron is 68% ahead in “pretending to recognise the needs of hard working families”, while Miliband is 44% ahead in “really recognising the needs of hard unemployed families and benefits-scrounging Third World immigrants”.

Cameron is 66% ahead in “mingling with rich capitalist hedge fund managers” while Miliband 82% ahead in “mingling with rich socialist trade union bosses”.

Cameron is 51% ahead in “having greater command of reassuring paternalistic platitudes” while Miliband is 39% ahead in “forgetting to mention anything apart from the NHS”.

Cameron is 56% ahead on “ring-fencing everything that people think is important”, while Miliband is 77% ahead on “spending more money on everything that people think is important but at the same time pretending he’ll make cuts to everything that people don’t think matters”.

Cameron is ahead by 73% in�“feigning passion about everything that people think is important although he actually couldn’t give a toss” while Miliband is ahead by 46% in “claiming that he came into politics to address those things that people think are important while really wanting to do the things that he thinks are important” (like shoving socialism and multiculturalism down our throats).

Cameron is 95% ahead on “holding a referendum on whether to stay in or leave Europe because he’s afraid of UKIP” but can’t think of anything that would warrant leaving Europe whereas Miliband is 85% ahead on “disapproving of any decision to leave Europe” but, at the same time, does not want the views of the electorate to affect such a decision.

Cameron is 100% ahead in “remembering to button up his jacket every time he gets out of a car”�because he believes it makes him look like a man of action even though he will unbutton it again within a few seconds as soon as he sits down (unless there is a tv camera) while Miliband is 75% ahead for “hardly ever being seen getting out of a car but often standing without a jacket in his second or third kitchen”.

Cameron is 84% ahead for “making difficult decisions” (which might simply be when to unbutton his jacket) while Miliband is 89% ahead for “managing to avoid revealing or even knowing what decisions might be made if he was Prime Minister” (at least not without checking first with the Unions and Nicola Sturgeon).

It is thanks to polls like this that the hard-working electorate are able to make the tough decision on who to vote for or whether to bother voting at all.