Urgent message from panicking LibLabCon party

We need to act now to save our once great country! Our multicultural way of life is being threatened by these patriotic British UKIP upstarts. They rampage around our constituencies wanting nothing more than a better life for British citizens and their families.

They want to put the interests of British people first above those of immigrants. They want us to leave the corrupt, wasteful, undemocratic EU where we British politicians and senior bureaucrats can get nice, well-paid, well-pensioned jobs. They want to impose their alien political incorrectness on us, stealing our electoral support and depriving us, the British ruling class, of our right to stuff our own pockets and pretend to govern while really taking all our orders from Brussels.

Vast UKIP ghettos are springing up all around the country, creating no-go areas for the depressingly few party workers we have left. Moreover, they just refuse to integrate. Their ways are completely different to ours. They tell the truth, for a start. And they listen to the concerns of ordinary people.

Moreover, many of these UKIP fruitcakes believe that Britain should control its own borders. Laughable! And they don’t believe in the ludicrous, discredited myth of man-made global warming. They are even opposed to the windfarms that we, the elite and our families, are erecting on our estates so we can siphon off millions more of taxpayers’ money for ourselves.

For the last few weeks we’ve had sycophantic journalists writing articles in all the main papers smearing UKIP and calling them “raaaccciiiissstttts”. But every time we try to smear UKIP, their share of the vote goes up. It won’t be long before even the fools who normally vote for us – our core supporters – realise how we’ve been lying to them and ripping them off for years.

The UKIP problem needs to be dealt with urgently. Because, at the rate they’re multiplying, it won’t be long before we of the ConLibLab Party become a minority in our own great (for us) parliament.

The political establishment is ours. We’ve all got stinking rich from our huge salaries, fiddling our expenses, paying our wives, lovers and children as supposedly working as our assistants and doing lucrative second, third and fourth jobs on the side, while being generously paid to represent our gullible constituents.

Help us keep our well-paid jobs. Help us run the country into the ground the way we always have. Believe all our lies and hypocrisies as we get rich at your expense.

Vote LibLabCon! Vote ConLibLab! Vote LabLibCon! Vote for the people who hold you in contempt and couldn’t give a damn about you.