As uncontrolled immigration and higher birth rates put Muslims into the majority in ever more British cities and institutions, one Internet user has imagined what an Al-BBC TV schedule will look like in 30 years time. Muslim Television Guide (formerly known as the BBC, ITV, CH4) circa 2050.
I found this slightly amusing, I have no doubt normal people will consider it deeply offensive.
6.00: G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30: Talitubbies. Talitubbies say “Eh-oh”. Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00: Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
10.00: The Apprentice. Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week – one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army.
11.00: Jihad’s Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30: Panoramadan. The programme reports on Great Satan America’s attempts to take over the world.
13.30: Xena. Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00: Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30: Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.
15.00: Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. ‘Starter for ten, no praying.’
15.30: Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
16.30: Countdown. Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?
17.00: Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30: Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00: Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30: Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00: Who wants to be a Muhajadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go ‘inshallah’, or ask the Islamic Council?
20.00: FILM: Shariah’s Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
20.00 FILM (on the blood-red button) Seven brides for one of our brothers
21.30: Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.00: Imam Ted. Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga’il accidentally burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.
22.30: Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
23.30: They think it’s Allah over. Quiz culminating in the ‘Don’t feel the Mullah’ round.
Midnight: When Imams Attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
00:.30: The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00: A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again
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