FIFA investigation result – “Pope cleared of being catholic”

You have to laugh or else you’d cry. The FIFA Ethics Committee (probably one of the greatest oxymorons ever invented) have now concluded their great investigation into whether there was any corruption involved in awarding the 2018 World Cup to Russia and the 2022 World Cup to Qatar.

FIFA’s conclusion – absolutely no evidence of any dodgy dealings.

But how did FIFA reach this truly incredible conclusion? Well, Russia refused to hand over any documentation to the investigators claiming all the computer files had been deleted. So, that cleared Russia.

As for Qatar, the guy doing all the bribing wasn’t an official member of a footballing organisation and so FIFA conveniently decided that he would not be included in the investigation. That was Qatar in the clear.

But in a truly staggeringly brazen case of nuking the messenger, FIFA’s Ethics Committee (stop laughing) decided that England’s bid had been corrupt and that England had ‘damaged the image’ of the totally clean, totally honest FIFA.

Sometimes, situations are so absurd that it’s almost impossible to comment on them. No doubt, if FIFA were investigating the Pope, they’d clear him of being catholic and if they were investigating bears, they’d probably find that there was no evidence of bears defecating in woods.

Anyway, the two world cups will now go ahead and the corrupt FIFA members will be able to hang on to the millions they got from the Russians and the Qataris.

But at least it will be possible to play some football in Russia as it’s reasonably cool in the summer. It’s still doubtful that the teams will manage to play effectively in that overheated cesspit Qatar, whether the competition is held in the summer or winter.

Hopefully nobody will travel to that Arab hell-hole  and the teams will be playing to almost empty stadiums in almost unbearable conditions. Then a few FIFA sponsors might start having second thoughts about pouring their many millions into FIFA’s ever welcoming pockets

Apparently Qatar has a population of 1.8 million. That’s 278,000 lazy, useless Qataris plus 1,500,000 expatriate workers labouring in slave-like, dangerous conditions  . . . sorry . . . 1,499,999 expat workers. Ooops, crash 1,499,998 expat slaves. Watch out below! Aaaarrrrgghh . . . 1,499,997 expat workers . . never mind, there’s plenty more where they came from! And they’re cheap. In fact they’re free if they get killed as you don’t have to pay them.