Why would you ever want to fly with Excrement (Emirates) Airways?

You probably know that most airlines have nicknames based on their customers’ experiences. Some of the best known are probably:

BA – Bloody Awful or Best Avoid: Alitalia – Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival or Aircraft Late Into Tokyo All Luggage In Amsterdam: Sabena – Such A Bad Experience Never Again: PIA – Please Inform Allah or Perhaps I’ll Arrive: Quantas – Queers and Transvestites Serving As Stewardesses (from the days when Quantas only had male staff) or Quick And Nasty Transportation Australian Style: Delta – Don’t Expect Luggage To Arrive: TWA – Touch Wood Again or That Was Awful: TAP – Take Another Plane: Taca – Take Another Carrier Amigo: LOT – Luggage On Tarmac: TAT – Take A Train: People Express – People Compress: Ryanair – Conair or Eire O’Flot�etc.

So I’d like to propose a new nickname for Emirates Airways – Excrement Airways. I’ve never travelled with Excrement Airways, though I did once go with one of the Arab airlines and that put me off them for life. After all, you should be paid to sit for 15 hours in a noisy, foul-smelling sewer, you shouldn’t have to pay for it.

However, my wife has just flown with Excrement Airways. The first leg from London to�the middle of some desert�wasn’t too bad. The passengers behaved as if they were in an Arab souk, but at least most of them had seen a Western toilet and knew more or less (there were some exceptions) how to use it. However, the leg from the middle of some desert to Bangkok was apparently horrible.

Unfortunately most of the passengers were baffled by the toilet arrangements. Some tried standing and then crouching on the seat and, as their aim wasn’t 100% on target, left their deposits a bit all over the place. Others had never used toilet paper and so wiped their soiled fingers on the toilet walls. And many who did understand the purpose of toilet paper threw it on the floor after use as there wasn’t a bin to put it in. As my wife later said, “you wouldn’t have liked it”.

Now, of course, you may have flown with Excrement Airways and had a wonderful flight with all the passengers on your flight fully toilet trained. But it seems that along with the safety announcements, Excrement Airways should also show a short film explaining�(or get the cabin crew to demonstrate?) how to use a Western toilet. Until they do that, I think I’d rather pay a couple of hundred quid more to travel with an airline whose passengers understand the basics of defecating in an aircraft loo (Click on picture to see more clearly).

(Btw – Since Emirates took over the Arsenal stadium, I wonder if they’ve replaced all those clean Western toilets with those wonderful holes in the floor where you have to run fast when flushing (if they can be flushed) so you don’t get your feet wet or worse).