Charles? Our next king? Yer ‘avin’ a larf!

A new book about our possible future monarch – Charles the Prince of homeopathy and other assorted idiocies – has got the chattering classes chattering. The book is called Charles: Heart of a king and the subject of the wittering – is Charles really fit to become king?

I personally believe that if Charles hadn’t been such a self-absorbed, greedy, lazy, arrogant, brainless waste of skin, the Queen would have handed over to him years ago.

Anyway, as the debate about Charles becoming our king hots up, I’ve noticed a few possibly surprising similarities between our useless, whining, self-absorbed, self-serving Prince Charles and his not so great great uncle Edward VIII (Edward the Abdicator).

1. Edward VIII, like Charles, was emotionally-retarded, immature and self-centered. Edward’s private secretary for eight years believed that “for some hereditary or physiological reason his normal mental development stopped dead when he reached adolescence”

2. Both became Prince of Wales. Edward was officially invested as Prince of Wales in a special ceremony at Caernarvon Castle on 13 July 1911. A rather fanciful ceremony in the style of a Welsh pageant was invented for Edward and he was coached to speak a few words in Welsh. Just like Prince Charles’ overblown and utterly pointless investiture:

3. Edward could have had the pick of any number of young, attractive, eligible girls. Instead he preferred the older, charmless remarried divorcee Wallis Simpson. Useless Charles did, in fact, marry a beautiful, eligible young girl, Princess Diana, though the book claims he tried to get out of the marriage before it took place. But Charles always preferred the older and (IMHO) charmless Camilla and soon left Diana for his beloved Camilla

4. Wallis Simpson was described by someone who knew her as “austere”, “lantern-jawed” and “with a face like an old boot”. By the way, this is Camilla:

5. It was rumoured that Edward was sexually inadequate, felt threatened by younger, beautiful women and the only way he could get sexual satisfaction was because Wallis Simpson had “learnt a few tricks when in China”. For decency’s sake, let us not speculate here on Charles’ sex life with Diana and then Camilla. Though it is significant that after her divorce, Diana preferred the company of rather manly men (one of whom had the nickname “horse” for reasons I hope I don’t have to mention here) – men very unlike whining drip Charles

6. Edward was described as being “completely obsessed” by Wallis Simpson. Charles became a national laughing stock with his “I want to be your tampon” phone call to Camilla

7. Wallis Simpson ended up spending the rest of her life “living with a man she privately ridiculed for being immature, boring, self-absorbed and intellectually her inferior”. Camilla and Charles? Maybe. One can imagine Camilla ridiculing the hopeless Charles to her friends. Though it’s said that Camilla is no genius either

7. Edward caused unease in government circles with actions that were interpreted as interference in political matters. Government ministers were reluctant to send confidential documents and state papers to Edward because there was a lack of confidence in his discretion in constitutional and political matters. A bit like the congenital meddler Charles with his often idiotic views on anything that enters his empty head and almost endless stream of letters to government ministers

8. Both men were emotionally and intellectually unsuited to become the kind of king anyone could have any respect for. But the main difference between these two men seems to be that Edward didn’t want to become king and probably used his relationship with Wallis Simpson as a way of getting out of any royal commitments, so he could live a life of idle luxury at taxpayers’ expense without actually doing any work. Charles, on the other hand, is desperate to become king even though this would be a disaster for the royal family and would probably lead to Australia and Canada becoming republics. After all, who could handle a banknote with Charles’s idiotic face and jug ears on it without bursting into laughter?

Personally, I believe that if Charles ever thought about anyone other than himself, he would step aside and the monarchy could skip a generation letting the much more acceptable William and Kate take over. But sadly Charles is probably incapable of seeing his own glaring deficiencies and will irredeemably damage the monarchy through his own selfish personal ambition.

Is this really the future for our once great country? Charles as king and Ed Miliband as PM? Gawd help us!!!!!!