A message from the Right Honourable Maria Miller

Yesterday I managed to have a quick chat to the Right Honourable Maria Miller after she so nobly sacrificed her ministerial career so that we could all concentrate on the many wonderful things achieved by the Government.

This is what Maria Miller really wanted to say to us:

“How dare you? HOW DARE YOU!!! How dare you stupid, pig-ignorant plebs question me about my expenses?!! Don’t you know who I am?!! I’m an MP!! I’m a government minister!! I’m worth a thousand of you hopeless, taxpaying losers! I’m a multi-millionaire with homes worth millions more, while you’re all stuck in your dirty little rabbit-hutch houses living out your pointless little lives.

I’m a member of the ruling classes! The elite! We do what we want! And you do what we say. Get it?!

And anyway, I didn’t do anything that all the other members of the House of Conmen and the House of Liars aren’t doing. We’re all cheating on our expenses. We’re all flipping our homes to avoid tax. We’re all paying friends, children, partners and lovers big fat salaries as supposedly working as our assistants. We’re all becoming richer than you impoverished tax-paying vermin can imagine. And we’re doing it at your expense! And every five years you still vote for us! You stupid, dumb suckers!

And why couldn’t I remain a minister? Look at the other scumbags in this self-serving, greedy, multi-millionaires government. Recidivist liars like Nick Clegg. Expenses-thieving botty-botherers like David Laws. Home-flippers like Michael Gove. Serial over-claimers like David Willetts and Chris Grayling. They’re more crooked than me. Yet I had to resign!! Bastards!!!

You think you’ve got me, plebs? You think I care? I’ve only resigned as a minister. I’m still an MP. I still get my massive MP’s salary for just doing a couple of days’ work a week. I can still claim whatever expenses I want. And you pathetic plebs would have to save around £52,000 a year in your pension fund to get the same pension as me. Ha! I bet most of you don’t even earn £52,000 a year! Losers, the lot of you!

And you think I’m going to lose my job as an MP?! You think my local constituency will deselect me for the 2015 General Election? Not a chance. Those worthless, social-climbing, self-righteous, morally-castrated fools in the Basingstoke Conservative Association have already expressed their support for me. I’ll be back. I’ll be re-elected in 2015. And just like the repulsive David Laws I’ll crawl back into government again.

You see, I’m one of life’s winners. And you’re just a bunch of envious losers. To hell with you all!!!”