An important message from Home Secretary Priti “pretty useless” Patel

There follows an important message from Home Secretary Priti “more than totally useless” Patel:

To British citizens

If you are a British citizen returning to the UK from around 30 Third-World countries, you’ll be forced to go into quarantine in some of the worst hotels in Britain – total dumps with filthy carpets, peeling wallpaper and disgusting bathrooms – that were mostly built in the 1960s near to airports.

You’ll be locked in your tiny room for the 10 days. Probably your room won’t have windows that open and probably the air-conditioning systems will be similar to those on older cruise ships where the air is constantly circulated between rooms without any proper filtering. So if someone in a nearby room has the Xi Pingpong’s Chinese plague, you’ll be exposed to their virus 24 hours a day for the 10 days and will likely catch the Chinese Kung-flu yourself.

Food that your dog wouldn’t eat will be left outside your door three times a day in a plastic container. Most of the food will be the kind of slop you get when travelling monkey class on the rotten Spanish-owned airline – British Airways.

Your room will not be cleaned at any time during the 10 days of your forced incarceration. But it will have been so dirty and decayed even before you arrived that you probably won’t notice the difference whether it is cleaned or not.

For the privilege of being locked up in a dirty, rancid, ageing dump of a 1- or 2-star hotel, getting no fresh air, served inedible food and being exposed to other travellers’ germs 24 hours a day you’ll have to pay over £1,000 to hotel operators who are rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of all the money they’re going to make.

To Third-World garbage

If you’re travelling to Britain by stolen dinghies or transported by people-smuggling gangs across the Channel, the British government has instructed what pathetically little is left of the Royal Navy to give you a free, comfortable ferry ride to Britain. Once in Britain, you’ll be accommodated free of charge at 4-star hotels, given a wide choice of food, given free phones, free Internet and lots of pocket money. You’ll then be able to contact all your family and friends back in whatever Third-World sh*t-hole you’ve come from and advise them on how to come to Britain too. British taxpayers will all be delighted to give you anything you want to make your stay in Britain as comfortable as possible because they all realise that diversity is our strength.

Oh, and even though you are an illegal immigrant who should have claimed asylum in the first safe country you reached, we will never deport you and you can live on benefits and crime for the rest of your lives. And I almost forgot, for entertainment you can gang-rape as many underage British girls as you like as the police will do nothing to stop you as they don’t want to be accused of “racism”. In fact, you can commit any crimes you want and the police will leave you alone. The police are only interested in persecuting white ethnic Brits for crimes such as “wrong thought” or insufficient political correctness.

To my Cabinet colleagues

You’re all effing useless, you effing b*st*rds! I wanted to close the effing borders completely so that only Third-World garbage illegally crossing the Channel could get into Britain. But you effing idiots over-ruled me and only restricted entry to travellers from about 30 countries. Effing useless idiots! Can’t you effing see that I’m right and you’re all effing wrong! Why don’t you all eff off!!!!