Mr Cameron, I want some laws changed, but I can only pay �2,500

Dear David Cameron. If a senior fundraiser for your party is to be believed, you are not only a liar but are also thoroughly corrupt and will change Britain’s laws in return for a �250,000 payment. There are a few laws I’d like changed. For example, I think squatting should be made illegal in England like it is in Scotland. I also would like pension funds to be forced to be paid on results rather than being allowed to pocket �16bn of our money every year regardless of whether they make or lose money for savers.

But, Mr Cameron, here’s the problem – I can only afford to give you �2,500. I realise I would need a hundred times that for an intimate dinner with yourself and your fragrant wife. But perhaps we could meet for a quick burger and I could explain the law changes I want made. Then I could hand over the �2,500 in used �10 and �20 notes. I look forward to agreeing a date when we can meet and am off to buy a brown envelope to put the money in.

Yours sincerely, David Craig