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Don’t waste your money or time seeing the ‘new’ STAR WARS film

Normally I wouldn’t bother going to see a film like STAR WARS. But there has been so much hype about the fact that Disney bought the STAR WARS franchise for $4bn and has now come out with a supposedly ‘wonderful’ new seventh STAR WARS film that I thought I’d go along to see the result. The hype has been particularly intensive in the UK as two of the leading ‘actors’ are British. Anyway, my local multiplex only charges £3.60 per person. So I’d only be £7.20 the poorer if the whole thing was a disaster – which it was.

I think I did, at some time, see one of the first six STAR WARS films. And some bits of some others. I’ve no idea which ones. Though it doesn’t really matter as they’re all pretty much the same.

So, what about the new STAR WARS film? Honestly, it looked exactly like the ones made 20 to 30 years ago. The storyline, the characters and the visuals – almost nothing had changed. The evil First Order from the Dark Side wants to destroy the Empire and has built a new super-weapon. But this time it’s even bigger and more horrible than the last super-weapons – the ones in films one to six. And this super-weapon is protected by a Shield. Only by turning off the Shield can the brave and outnumbered pilots of the resistance (using exactly the same spaceships that were used in films one to six) destroy the nasty super-weapon before it destroys the Empire. (Incidentally, the spaceships used by the baddies and their uniforms are also exactly the same as the previous six films, so that must have saved some money in the special effects and costume departments)

star wars 1

Anyway, luckily the Resistance wins and the baddies’ super-weapon is blown up just in time to save the universe. Then things are left rather open at the end for film number eight to be made.

Oh, and there’s meant to be a ‘surprise’ twist in the plot. Yaaawwwnnn. Well, it turns out that the bad guy, the one with the funny voice in the black metal Burkha, is none other than the son of Hans Solo (Harrison Ford) and Princess Leia (some American actress of sorts). The Burkha guy (Hans Solo’s son) has been seduced away from the Force to the Dark Side by someone who (if I caught the name correctly) is improbably called ‘Snoad’ (sounds like a character from Dickens). When Harrison Ford goes to bring back his son (the guy in the black metal Burkha) from the Dark Side, the son runs Harrison Ford through with his light-sabre and apparently kills him. Though, no doubt, if Harrison Ford (estimated earnings from this film $34m and net worth $210m) really can be bothered to get out of bed for another $34m, he’ll probably miraculously reappear in films eight, nine, ten etc etc etc

And what about the two young British actors with leading roles? Honestly, two lumps of industrial grade rubber could have given more lively, convincing and impressive performances.

My advice – give STAR WARS film seven and all the subsequent rehashes of the same characters and the same story a miss.

But hey, I’m no film critic. Perhaps STAR WARS film seven is a work of genius and I’m just too stupid to appreciate it.

Next weekend I’ll probably see SPECTRE with James Bond. Another rehash of a rehash of a rehash. But hopefully the makers of SPECTRE will have gone to a little more effort to produce entertainment than the (IMHO) totally indifferent producers of the latest STAR WARS film.

2 comments to Don’t waste your money or time seeing the ‘new’ STAR WARS film

  • right_writes

    “Mr. Turner” was a good film.

  • MGJ

    Despite being in the demographic that the film is probably aimed at, I never saw the attraction of any of the Star Wars films. When colleagues get as excited as they do before even seeing it though, I think its success is understandable.

    For the huge hard core fan base who watched the first one when it came out in 1977, it has been with them for most of their lives hence they desperately want it to be wonderful and it is going to take an awful lot to persuade them otherwise. So maybe Disney’s investment is quite a smart one.

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