May 2024

Do we still get our virgins if we blow ourselves up by accident?

On this blog, I like to deal with the great existential philosophical, political, economic and religious questions of our time.

So, today I propose examining the sales pitch used to convince M*sl*ms to sacrifice their lives for their wonderful beliefs:


virgins 3

We all know that if a M*sl*m dies killing us worthless kaffirs, or even killing other M*sl*ms who have a slightly different interpretation of their holy book, then that M*sl*m goes to Paradise and gets a whole pile of virgins.

But what if some mad Muzzies blow themselves into mincemeat through sheer incompetence? What if they die without killing either a few of us kaffirs (who are, of course, lower than pigs) or other Muzzies?

I ask the question because of one of the most cheering stories of the week. Apparently an ISIL explosives factory in Syria has recently blown up killing about 25 ISIL fighters and seriously injuring another 20. He-he-he-he-he!

Will these clumsy, incompetent losers all get their one-way ticket to Paradise and their 72 virgins? Or will their failure to commit mass murder before they left us bar them from eternal delights? I don’t know. But I do feel that we need some bearded clerical lunatic to pronounce on the matter.

I also have three other questions about the whole “Paradise and 72 virgins” sales pitch:

Q 1. It is assumed that those virgins are female. But what if that’s not the case? What happens if, on getting to Paradise, some mad Muzzie finds out that his virgins are male? Does he then have to bugger them all for all eternity? And what if the virgins are LBGT? What does the dead Jihadi do then?

Q 2. What if the virgins you get on arriving in Paradise are virgins for a very good reason – they are fat, ugly, have excessive amounts of body hair and a problem with perspiration that no amount of deodorant can solve? Do you still have to spend eternity shagging them? Doesn’t sound like Paradise to me. (click on pictures to see more clearly)


Q 3. What about female mad Muzzies. If they blow themselves up in the name of the Prophet, what kind of virgins do they get? Female ones? Or male ones? Or transgender?

All in all, as a former salesman and the author of a book – DON’T BUY IT! – warning about salespeople’s tricks and traps, I worry about the “Paradise and 72 virgins” sales pitch. It’s not sufficiently detailed, it doesn’t cover all eventualities and there’s no mention of “satisfaction guaranteed or your life back”. So, I personally wouldn’t buy it.

But lots of people do buy it. I reckon there have been over 8,000 suicide attacks since 9/11.

By the way, I did a quick calculation – if 8,000 suicide bombers are all to get 72 virgins each, *ll*h would need to find 576,000 virgins. Of course, I know the Great and Merciful *ll*h is omniscient and omnipotent. But finding more than 576,000 virgins is not going to be easy, even for Him.

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