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Is Mark Carney a liar? A self-serving, over-paid, politically-subservient, banker-friendly liar?

Has our dashing new governor of the BoE really cocked up? We got his much hyped “forward guidance” that interest rates would not go up from their current 0.5% level till around 2016. Within a few minutes of Carnage’s great announcement, financial market predictions for UK interest rates priced in a rise long before Carnage’s date.

That puts Carnage in a bit of a bind. If he does increase rates before 2016, everyone will say his forward guidance was garbage. So, to preserve his own lousy reputation, he now has to hold interest rates down for as long as possible.

So, who benefits from low interest rates? Firstly, people taking out mortgages. They’re the main winners as the Coalition government uses its Help to Buy and Funding for Lending schemes to stoke up a house price bubble to make people feel better off in the 20 months till the next election.

But the real winners are the banks and the Government. The banks win because higher interest rates would lead to many mortgage-holders and struggling, over-indebted businesses defaulting and revealing that many banks are to all intents and purposes bankrupt. Also, the Government is giving the banks huge piles of our money that they can lend back to us at exorbitant rates, making massive profits for the banks and massive bonuses for their bosses.

As for the Government, the useless Coalition has been unable to cut public spending. The Government is spending £120bn a year (£2bn a week) more than it takes in tax. But nobody wants to lend the Government money – at least not at rates of interest the Government could afford. Our financially-incontinent Government is going bankrupt. So, Carnage is forced to do more QE to create money out of thin air to buy the government bonds that nobody else wants. Isn’t that pretty much what you did in Canada?

Meanwhile, anyone with any savings is getting fleeced to bail out the banks and the Government. We have about £1.2trn in bank accounts and are losing around £36bn a year in lost interest because, with the Government giving the banks so much of our money, they don’t need our savings and so pay below-inflation interest, if they pay any interest at all.

So come on Mark “Goldman Sachs” Carnage. Why not tell us the truth? You’re imposing “financial repression” – keeping interest rates artificially low – to bail out your political masters and your friends in banking. But you’re trashing the value of the pound and screwing everyone else.

Why not just replace the entire MPC and BoE staff with parrots trained to say “low interest rates” and  “more QE” and sack this lot? It will be a lot cheaper than paying their salaries (and index-linked pensions) and at least the parrots won’t be lying.

(If you’ll permit me a bit of self-indulgence, here’s a comment a reader sent me. “Your GREED UNLIMITED is a very good read. I am lost for words when you say that three quarters of your readers cannot afford the price of the book. Many more could buy it just to support the best blog on the web”)

Buying or selling a home – can you trust your lawyer or surveyor?

Over the last 2 days, I’ve written about the most common ways estate agents fleece both sellers and buyers. It’s my understanding that most estate agents get a miserably low salary (about £12,000 a year?) and can only make a reasonable living from boosting their commission. That’s why they need to do things like signing up as many sellers as possible by giving inflated estimates of how much a property will sell for, pushing buyers into taking a mortgage from the agency’s mortgage broker, not passing on bids from buyers who aren’t taking a mortgage from their agency’s broker, grabbing properties cheaply for themselves and friendly developers and so on.

Most of us probably expect to be exploited by estate agents. But what about lawyers and surveyors that we pay directly to act for us and to work in our interests? Can we trust them? Or will they rip us off too? Let’s consider the following:

1. We’re not dealing with the best

The “professionals” we’ll be dealing with, barring a few exceptions, are hardly likely to be at the top of their professions. If a lawyer was talented, hard-working and ambitious, would they be doing tedious, repetitive work like conveyancing for a few hundred quid? Or would they be working on multi-million pound commercial deals or running the affairs of a family with hundreds of millions in assets? If a surveyor was truly talented would they be doing dismal home surveys for a few hundred pounds or working for a large property development or construction firm?

2. They’ll work together many times, they’ll only work for you once

In any town or district of a large city, estate agents, conveyancing lawyers and surveyors will probably have worked on many deals over the years. They will also probably have all passed work to each other. On the other hand, they’ll probably only work with you once. So they’ll all have an interest in your deal going through and in not upsetting each other. A lawyer will hardly be motivated to find legal glitches which discourage you from buying or selling. Likewise your surveyor will be careful not to put you off a property as upsetting a local estate agent could mean them losing a lot of work. So, even though you’re paying your lawyer and surveyor to act for you, their loyalties will be first to their own financial comfort, secondly to each other and thirdly to you.

I experienced this with a property I bought. The conveyancing lawyer “didn’t notice” some lies made by the seller on some papers they submitted about the property’s condition and the surveyor “didn’t notice” some blindingly obvious problems with the property. First I complained to the regulators for lawyers and surveyors and they both rejected my claims. Luckily, I found a “no win no fee” lawyer who dealt with professional negligence cases and once my lawyer’s letters got going, my useless conveyancing lawyer paid me about£4,500 and my “no win no fee” lawyer around £9,000. My worthless, lying surveyor coughed up £2,500 – rather more than the few hundred pounds I paid the scumbag for his “survey”.

So, my advice:

1. Do not believe your lawyer and surveyor are working for you

2. Ensure all agreements with them are in writing. If you agree something over the phone, email them immediately confirming the details of that phone call

3. Before you buy or sell a property, take out insurance which includes legal protection. It works wonders later if your conveyancing lawyer or surveyor knows that a large insurance company is picking up the bill should you sue them for professional negligence

4. Understand that the supposed regulators for solicitors and surveyors will always back their members. As part of the complaints procedure, you’ll probably be forced to first seek redress through your lawyer’s and surveyor’s trade bodies. But that’s just a formality – your claim will be rejected, then you’ll have to start legal action.

Question: What have you got if you have an estate agent or conveyancing lawyer or surveyor up to his or her neck in sand ?

Answer : Not enough sand.

Corrupt communist Barroso finally gets his revenge on Britain

The utterly corrupt Portuguese communist Jose Manuel Barroso and the other unelected corrupt eurocrats who run the EU really loathe Britain. They need us in the EU, because we are stupid enough to pay around £20bn a year to the EU mainly to be handed out to French farmers and bankrupt, corrupt Club Med basket-case countries. But they hate us because Britain, with its long tradition of freedom and democracy, is the only country where people dare criticise the eurocrats’ dream of creating a single European superstate run by unelected kommissars rather than elected governments.

The eurocrats have worked hard to destroy Britain’s identity by flooding our country with over five million immigrants in the last 15 years. But this disaster is nothing compared to their latest plan.

You probably haven’t heard of the “DIRECTIVE OF THE EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT AND OF THE COUNCIL on measures facilitating the exercise of rights conferred on workers in the context of freedom of movement for workers”.

This new Directive coming from Barroso and his cronies, deals with the rights of 500 million EU citizens to the following: “access to employment, working conditions, social and tax advantages, access to training, membership of trade unions, housing and access to education for children”.

The key items in the list above are probably – social and tax advantages, housing and access to education for children. “Social and tax advantages”  actually means “benefits”.

If this Directive is implemented, all 500 million EU citizens will have equal rights to claim benefits, housing and schooling in Britain at British taxpayers’ expense. Moreover, the EU Directive will make it illegal for “access to social advantages made subject to conditions which are more easily met by nationals than by EU citizens (e.g. a residence condition)”. Basically EU citizens will no longer have to prove they have been resident in the UK for even a couple of days before they can demand benefits, schooling and housing.

The Directive also makes it easier for any groups – trade unions, NGOs, charities etc – to take our government to the European Court of Justice if a single EU citizen doesn’t get full access to benefits, housing and schooling.

This will be a catastrophe for our economy and our way of life. If, as I have estimated, around 2 million people move to Britain for benefits, free housing, free schooling and free healthcare, this will cost us about £60bn a year in addition to putting intolerable pressure on our limited housing stock and struggling schools and hospitals.

Of course, we don’t hear Cameron and Clegg and Miliband saying too much about this Directive, because if people knew what our leaders were up to, there would be outrage and a flood of support to UKIP.

You can see this ridiculous Directive here: https://europeanmemoranda.cabinetoffice.gov.uk/files/2013/06/9124-131.pdf

They must be really laughing in Brussels as they finally destroy what’s left of Britain and turn us into just another region of their EU superstate.

Are the Muslim Brotherhood really jolly good chaps like the Islamophiliacs at the BBC suggest?

Most news reports from Egypt, especially those from the Islamophiliac BBC, seem to suggest that the Muslim Brotherhood are really quite nice, tolerant, innocent, democratic, peace-loving people who are being slaughtered by the villainous Egyptian police and army.

So, here are just a few stories the British press have chosen not to report as they concern Muslim Brotherhood supporters persecuting and murdering Christians:

– Brotherhood clerics have been calling for their supporters to attack and burn churches because they claim the Egyptian Coptic Christian Pope is against Islam and the Christians are the enemies of God and all Muslims must get rid of the ten million Christians in Egypt, burn their churches, kill them and kill their Pope

 – In 24 hours starting on 14 August 2013, Muslim Brotherhood supporters attacked, looted and then burned 52 churches. Brotherhood Militias also burned many homes and shops belonging to Christians. Three police officers were killed by Muslim Brotherhood machine guns and 14 soldiers were injured.

– On 15 August, Brotherhood militias and Mohammed Morsi’s supporters set up road blocks on the corniche road in Alexandria city, Sidi Bishr Area, stopped all cars and checked passengers’ identities. As soon as they saw a cross hanging in the car of a Christian taxi driver, they dragged him out of his car. Then a mob stripped him, tortured him and stabbed him to death. The driver was called Mina Raafat Aziz.

– On 15 August, Brotherhood supporters set up roadblocks in Sohag City. Eye witnesses said that the Brotherhood militia wouldn’t let anyone pass till they had checked their identities. When they found one couple –  Naglaa Albadry 25 years old and her husband Magdy Adly 29 years old – who were Christians, they machine-gunned them to death.

– On 6 August, Muslim Brotherhood militia opened fire randomly on Christians going to church. Jessy Bolus Issa, a Christian girl, 10 years old was killed in front of the Angelic Church in Ain Shams Area – Cairo. Many other people – all Christians – were injured. Jessy was shot in the back and in the eye. Here’s a picture of Jessy:

– On 30 July, Muslim Brotherhood militia kidnapped the student Abadir Samir Makar 22 years old and tortured him in Assiut City – Upper Egypt.  Abadir was one of the eye witnesses who testified against some of the Muslim Brotherhood militia leaders in Assiut City, who killed three civilians on the 30 June just because they were participating in protests against Mohammed Morsi’s dictatorship.

– On 5 July, a Christian trader was kidnapped in Alsheikh Zowaid City. Seven days later, his body was found. He had been tortured and then beheaded. The victim was Magdy Lami 59 years old. This is Magdy Lami before he was killed:

And this was when his beheaded body was found:

Every time the Israelis kill Palestinians who are firing rockets at Israeli civilian homes, the British press is outraged. In fact, every time Israelis build a few houses on land they captured during the Six Day War (which the Arabs started as an attempt to destroy Israel) the Islamophiliac British press is outraged. But when the Muslim Brotherhood reveal their true oppressive, intolerant, murderous nature, there is absolute silence in the British press as it is politically-incorrect to ever criticise Muslims.

I would humbly suggest that the Muslim Brotherhood are not as tolerant, innocent and peace-loving as most of the Islamophiliac media suggest. In fact, I’m sure Muslim Brotherhood leaders were overjoyed when hundreds of their fanatical supporters were killed. That made the Brotherhood look like victims of oppression.

The Brotherhood had their chance. Morsi was democratically elected. But, instead of trying to rule Egypt in the interests of all Egyptians, Morsi and the Brotherhood tried turning Egypt into a version of Iran. Intolerance, repression, corruption, persecution, torture, rape and murder seem to be the only things the Muslim Brotherhood know. As Egypt rushes headlong towards civil war, many people are going to regret the day they overthrew Hosni Mubarak and handed power to the primitive, lunatics of the Muslim Brotherhood.

For more details of Muslims murdering Christians and for film of Muslim Brotherhood preachers calling for the total eradication of Christians, here’s a link:

https://www.emannabih.com/muslim-brotherhood-massacres-against-christians-in-egypt/

There’s no financial crisis – for Britain’s bosses! But for the rest of us – things are grim

The Government and the Tory press are trumpeting their fairy tale that Britain’s economy is on the mend and we’re all going to be rich and happy.

That’s certainly true for Britain’s bosses. Even as the performance of the companies they head up has faltered, their remuneration has ballooned (click to see clearly)

But what about the rest of us? There seem to be more people in employment. But average worker wages have been falling since the 2007/8 financial crash (click to see clearly)

This is has led to a situation where 15 years ago, British chief executives were paid about 69 times as much as the average worker. By 2009, the average CEO was pocketing over 150 times as much as the average worker (click to see clearly)

This chart only goes up to 2009. But the figures for 2012 are: chief executive pay reached a delightful (for Britain’s bosses) £4,450,00 compared to worker pay of £26,500. This means CEOs are now getting 168 times the salary of the average worker.

So, Britain’s bosses can party all night as they stuff  their bank accounts with ever-increasing amounts of money. But for their employees, life is getting increasingly hard.

What was that about us all being in this together?

(For the price of a couple of pints or glasses of wine, you could buy a copy of my latest, not exactly best-selling book GREED UNLIMITED. Come on, you know I’m worth it)

If you try this “Immigration Quiz” – you might feel like leaving Britain

Our leaders tell us that we shouldn’t be worried about a rise in immigration from Romania and Bulgaria. They also say they can’t estimate how many Romanians and Bulgarians will come here. Perhaps today’s little quiz will help give some idea of the likely tsunami of East Europeans about to swamp our country.

A: In this part, we look at why Romanians and Bulgarians might come to Britain

1. What is the minimum hourly wage in Romania?   A: £2.79    B: £1.79     C: £0.79

2. What is the minimum hourly wage in Bulgaria?    A: £2.73    B: £1.73     C: £0.73

3. What is the minimum hourly wage in Britain?     A: £4.31      B: £5.31     C: £6.31

4. What is the GDP per capita in Romania?       A: £6,682     B: £5,682     C: £4,682

5. What is the GDP per capita in Bulgaria?        A: £5,929      B: £4,929     C: £3,929

6: What is the GDP per capita in Britain?       A: £18,426    B: £20,426     C: £22,426

Answer to all 6 questions – C

Hopefully the above 6 questions will help readers decide why an awful lot of people might be tempted to move from Romania and Bulgaria to Britain.

B: This question looks at how many Romanians and Bulgarians might come to Britain

7. There are  920,000 Romanians and 170,000 Bulgarians in Spain. In Italy there are about 997,000 Romanians and over 70,000 Bulgarians. Moreover, the number of Romanians and Bulgarians already in Britain rose by 29,000 in the 3 months from April to June from 112,000 to 141,000.

So, how many Romanians and Bulgarians are likely to come to Britain where there are more jobs and much more generous benefits than either Italy or Spain?

A: 100,000      B: 500,000      C: 1,000,000      D: 1,500,000     E: More than 1,500,000

Answer: Who knows? Probably about 1,500,000

C: Finally we look at the benefits available in Benefits Britain

8: Which of these benefits will new arrivals from Romania and Bulgaria be entitled to as members of the EU?

  • Attendance Allowance
  • Child Benefit
  • Council Tax Benefit
  • Disability Living Allowance 
  • Guardian’s Allowance
  • Housing Benefit
  • Income Support
  • Income-based Jobseeker’s Allowance
  • Industrial Injuries Disablement Benefit
  • Carer’s allowance
  • Reduced Earnings Allowance
  • Severe Disablement Allowance
  • Statutory Sick Pay

Answer: All of them!

Why you should never buy property in a bankrupt Club Med country

Last week, the Sunday Times reported that Brits were rushing to buy cheap properties around the Mediterranean to take advantage of plummeting property prices in Club Med countries. But is it really such a great idea to buy in a bankrupt Club Med country?

You’ve probably seen stories about Brits buying houses in corrupt, bankrupt Spain which are then demolished by the authorities as the properties were built by developers bribing local planners without proper planning permission.

Well our bankrupt Spanish friends have found 2 new ways to take money from foreigners owning properties there.

1. People who have holiday homes is Spain will have to pay an “enjoyment tax” based on the rentable value of their property even if it is not rented out. This “enjoyment tax” will supposedly be used to maintain roads and airports.

2. If you’re an expat (Brit, German, Dutch or whatever) living full-time in Spain, according to Spain’s new reporting requirements all residents have to declare assets abroad worth €50,000 or more and will be taxed on these assets. Relatively few Spaniards have assets outside of Spain. But hundreds of thousands of retired European expats living in Spain have properties, bank accounts, trusts, and pension funds back at home. This law hits them harder than anyone else. Some experts suggest it was designed to do so, whilst others argue it might be an unintended consequence

And here’s a lovely story from corrupt, bankrupt, paedophile paradise Portugal about how the government is planning to absolutely screw anyone with a home near the sea or a river. Many such homes will be owned by foreigners.

Owners of property in waterfront locations considered as “hydric land” in the public domain have until January 1, 2014 to prove in court that their land has been in private hands for at least 150 years or face seeing it integrated into state property.

The controversial ruling, under Law nº54/2005 of November 15, which is being widely contested by several political groups for being “unconstitutional” and “inaccessible” to the vast majority of people, obliges owners of property within “Domínio Público Hídrico” areas, including all properties on land located within 50 metres from the sea or clifftop edge and within 30 metres in the case of a riverbank, to seek recognition in court of its private ownership for at least a century-and-a-half or the land will be subject to public domain treatment, including use and occupation licences and taxes.

The vast majority of people have no knowledge of the ancient law that dates back to 1864 and several political groups have contested the complexity of the process for property owners to legalise their situation within the short timeframe, the bureaucratic and legal costs involved and the mandatory hiring of a lawyer to present a court case. Property owners affected by the law must move swiftly to ensure they meet the January 1 2014 deadline.

Once designated as public domain land, its occupation by private individuals will be subject to a State-granted authorisation/licence, which has to be paid for and has a validity period, the use of the land will be limited and rates for occupying state property will be charged. Rates are charged according to the size and use of the land, for example a residential house or a golf course, but can potentially be high.

These moves by the bankrupt Spanish and bankrupt Portuguese to milk mainly foreigners, have made many properties in those countries next to worthless. Feel like buying a holiday home or retirement property in bankrupt Spain, Portugal, Greece or Cyprus now?

(So, now I’ve saved you, someone in your family or a friend tens of thousands of pounds, perhaps you’d be so good as to spend just £6 or so of this buying a copy of my latest book GREED UNLIMITED. I only sold one copy last week, which isn’t great)

Test your knowledge with our ‘Global Warming Hoax’ quiz

Here it is – the Snouts-in-the-trough.com ‘Global Warming Hoax’ quiz.

1. 16 years ago, we were told by the Warmists that the earth’s temperature would rise by 0.5 degrees by now. How much has it actually risen?

A: 1.25 degrees        B: 0.5 degrees          C: 0 degrees

2. In 1999, Al Gore U.S. Vice President and presidential candidate had a declared net worth of $1.7m. How much is it estimated that he has earned since then from lucratively riding the Global Warming bandwagon?

A: $50m      B: $100m       C: $200m

3. Tory MP Tim Yeo has been hugely influential in the move to cut CO2 emissions and increase energy from renewable sources. In addition to his £66,000 MP’s salary, about how much does Tim Yeo earn each year from helping renewable energy companies?

A: about £30,000        B: about £66,000      C: about £100,000

4. Lord Deben (formerly John Gummer) chaired the Climate Change Committee which decided how much Britain’s CO2 emissions should be cut. Before that, he received an undisclosed pile of money as chairman of a firm trying to build a new power plant, Was that plant?

A: Shale gas extraction       B: Nuclear power      C: The world’s biggest windfarm

5. Human activities add how much to greenhouse gases?

A: 20%      B: 10%        C: 5%      D: 0.3%

6. Which world-famous “scientist” was included in a study which claimed that 97% of scientists believed Global Warming was due to human activity?

A: Daffy Dack         B: Dick Dastardly        C: Al Gore        D: Thomas the Tank Engine

7. What has happened to the Arctic sea ice in the last 12 months?

A: Decreased by 50%       B: The same        C: Increased 50%

8. How much does combatting the myth of Anthropogenic Global Warming cost UK households each year?

A: £3m         B: £30m             C: £300m            D: £3bn

9. If we have one hot summer or warm winter, the Warmists claim this proves Global Warming is happening. If we have 16 years of absolutely no warming at all, the Warmists claim 16 years is not long enough to draw any meaningful conclusion about global temperatures – true or false?

A: True          B: False

10. Global Warming (if it is even happening) is caused by human activity – true or false?

A: True          B: False

I imagine this was too easy and, unlike our useless Coalition government, you got them all right.

Answers:

1. C     2. C     3. C    4. C       5: D      6: C      7: C        8: D         9: True         10: False

Oh, and here’s a special bonus question sent to me by a reader:

11. Former energy minister Chris Huhne now has a high paying job with energy giant Zllkha Blomas.  This is because:
A  He is a scientifically qualified expert in energy
B  He is a figure respected and trusted by the public
C  His political contacts will enable the  company to pinpoint officials amiable to inducements

Why do our leaders let the water companies rip us off again and again and again?

Here’s the latest scam by one of our predatory water companies. Thames Water wants to impose a “one-off” price rise of about 12% (£29) on its 14 million customers giving Thames another lovely £406m a year of our money. Why this special extra charge? Because Thames already charges so much, that many customers can’t afford to pay their bills. Rather than go after defaulting customers, Thames thinks it’s easier to screw the rest of us.

Thames also wants us (taxpayers) to pay billions for a much-needed new cross-London sewer. Thames claims it hasn’t the money to pay for this itself. So let’s have a quick look at Thames Water’s long history of lying and exploitation.

In 2000, Thames Water was bought by German RWE for £6.8bn. During its 6 years ownership, RWE pocketed around £1bn in dividends. But RWE got tired of suggestions that it should lower its leakage rate below 30% and so sold Thames Water to an offshore-based group led by Australian bank Macquarie for £8bn. RWE made a cool £2.2bn from its brief ownership of Thames Water – money that could have been better spent reducing Thames Water’s extraordinary levels of leakage (click to see clearly)

Under Macquarie, Thames Water has been loaded up with massive debt taken out at usurious rates from a Macquarie subsidiary based in an offshore tax haven. These debts are now so great that Thames pays about £400m a year servicing the interest on its debts. Nevertheless, Thames is also able to pay its lucky owners about £231m a year in dividends. This is in addition to the massive profits the owners make lending money at high rates of interest to themselves. Plus, of course, Thames can offset the interest costs against corporation tax, so it hardly pays any tax in spite of the hundreds of millions a year being creamed off by its owners.

The situation at Yorkshire Water is apparently even worse than at Thames. Since 2006, Yorkshire Water has increased its debt to over 70%, yet managed to pay its owners £886.8m in dividends – an £139 extra every year on the average water bill of its customers.

So, what is the regulator Ofwat doing about this massive scam? Well Ofwat has increased its spending on itself from £11.5m in 2006-07 (just before the financial crash) to more than £17.4m now – a rise of over 50% while our government was supposedly cutting public-sector spending. And what has Ofwat done for customers of water companies? Absolutely nothing. The useless, supine, self-serving, greedy Ofwat bosses have just been feathering their own nests and making sure they didn’t upset any of our water companies. After all, many Ofwat panjandrums are probably considering improving their lucrative careers and bolstering their pensions by going to work at a water company.

Oh, and this is a picture of the CEO of Thames Water (I think), though it may be Yorkshires Water’s CEO, I need to check.

(Tomorrow – take our great Global Warming scam quiz – find out how much you really know about the great Global Warming scam)

How would Nelson have fought at Trafalgar in today’s politically-correct world?

I’ll take a break from the serious stuff today. I found this floating around the Internet. It’s mildly amusing.

The Battle of Trafalgar (re-written for our politically-correct world)

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist”

Nelson : “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And, they said that a rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle, Admiral”

Nelson : “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled”

Nelson: “Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency and had to promote you to meet differently-abled quotas”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “The latest ruling from the European Court of Human Rights means that sodomy is to be encouraged, sir”