December 2023
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How would Nelson have fought at Trafalgar in today’s politically-correct world?

I’ll take a break from the serious stuff today. I found this floating around the Internet. It’s mildly amusing.

The Battle of Trafalgar (re-written for our politically-correct world)

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist”

Nelson : “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And, they said that a rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle, Admiral”

Nelson : “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled”

Nelson: “Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency and had to promote you to meet differently-abled quotas”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “The latest ruling from the European Court of Human Rights means that sodomy is to be encouraged, sir”

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