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A letter from the President of Zimbabweland to David Cameron, ruler of Englandland

I’ve managed to get hold of a letter recently written by His Royal Highness and Defender of the People the President of the Extremely Democratic Republic of Zimbabweland to David Cameron. Here it is:

To: The Right Honourable David Cameron, President of Englandland

Dear President Cameron:

I am writing to express to you the outrage and deep hurt caused to the people of the Extremely Democratic Republic of Zimbabweland by the appallingly insulting and racist remarks made by Godfrey Bloom, MEP.

The honest, clever and industrious people of Zimbabweland have been slandered and maligned by these remarks, and we demand an immediate and impartial inquiry into why Bloom is permitted to represent a section of your people in the European Parliament, after which impartial enquiry we demand that Bloom be sentenced to public execution. Preferably this execution should be by having a car tyre filled with petrol placed round his neck and then set alight – an old and much loved tradition in Zimbabweland.

You need look no further than Zimbabweland to see how effective an impartial enquiry can be as a tool of effective democratic governance, as we have publicly executed three Opposition leaders in the last six months after impartial enquiries into their attempts to stir up unrest among the blissfully happy Zimbabwelanders who have enjoyed great freedom, wealth and security under my wise and generous (to myself) rule in the fifty years since we won our independence from your country’s oppressive colonialism.

In addition, we demand that you double this year’s offensively-titled “aid” package (which we regard as reparations for the catastrophic damage inflicted upon our people and our culture by you building roads, railways, bridges, schools, hospitals, water and sewage systems etc. Anyway, most of these are falling apart as we can’t afford to maintain them because the reparations money you’ve given us has been carefully invested by myself for the good of my people in the world’s tax havens.

In accordance with criteria established for ease of administration in the disbursement of these funds, remit these funds by hand (used notes in plain brown envelopes please) to my son, His Excellency, The High Commissioner of Zimbabweland at his luxury Mayfair mansion. It’s the one with the large garage full of Rolls-Royces, Ferraris and Maseratis.

David, my friend – let us not end this on an unhappy note.

I have a great personal opportunity for you to enrich yourself. Although, like myself, you are an indefatigable and faithful servant of your people, one has to find the means to ensure one’s own future, and because you are a great man (and we great men must stick together) I am going to let you in on a great secret.

After the Second World War, a huge hoard of Nazi gold and art treasures on their way to South America were looted from a ship that had been driven aground in a remote part of Zimbabweland. We discovered these treasures (valued at £15 trillion) after the recent earthquake ( for which you sent us a measly £6bn in aid, hardly enough to fill the tanks of the Rolls-Royce and Ferraris I bought to tour the devastated region to show my support to my grateful people. But no matter, you are forgiven).

The earthquake cracked open a large slab of lava from the volcanic eruption (for which we were sent a measly, etc…) and exposed the secret building the shipwrecked Nazis had built to conceal the treasure before they all died from the malaria endemic to the area (for which we were sent a measly, etc….).

The State of Zimbabweland is very anxious to return these treasures to their rightful owners. But there are complicated reasons why we must use a middleman.

You would be perfect, and of course, you would be paid a handling fee of 10%.

All you have to do is send me your bank details etc. .

Yours in expectation, Robert

(Sadly, this is not my own work – it’s mostly copied from a comment made by a reader of a national newspaper. But I quite liked it, so I’ve unashamedly used it)

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