Prepare to be offended all you who like being offended. Part 1

This week has been quite a good one for the self-righteous, overly-pious, holier-than-thou mob who seem to make a good living (usually at taxpayers’ expense) finding things to be offended by. John Inverdale has apparently lost his job commentating at Wimbledon largely due to a rather crass, but hardly devastating, comment he made about a female French player’s looks. Meanwhile the Football Association’s boss came close to losing his job when a (IMHO) sanctimonious and perfidious temporary secretary leaked some of his supposedly sexist jokey private emails to a newspaper.

That made me think that I may be the only person left in today’s politically-correct Britain who dares say or write anything that those who seek to be offended could find offensive. After all, I don’t have a job and so can’t be fired. And if I lose a few readers, well so what? Most of my readers are too tight-fisted to show support for this website by buying copies of my books and thus won’t be missed.

So, I thought I’d dedicate today’s blog to sexist anti-women jokes and then, to be sure I’ve given lots of ammunition to those who desperately want something to be offended by, tomorrow’s blog will be used for sexist anti-men jokes.

There’s a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression, it’s called Trycoxagain

How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a wedding cake.

A man calls 999 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator says, “How do you know?” The man says, “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You’re back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat’s remains. As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, “I have a dead p*ssy.” The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, “Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common.”

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years the job still sucks.