June 2018
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Mr Cameron – can you please help arrange my family’s coming move to Pakistan?


Dear Mr. Cameron,

I’m planning to move my family and extended family to Pakistan so we can all have a better life and I would like to ask you to assist me with this.

We’re all planning to simply fly from Britain to Pakistan and we’ll need your help to make a few arrangements so that we have a good life in Pakistan thanks to the generosity of Pakistani taxpayers.

We plan to skip all of the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I’m sure they handle those things in the same way you do here – open borders so anyone can come in. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Asif Ali Zardari, that we’re on our way over?

Please let him know that we (all 26 of us) will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family and English-speaking interpreters in all doctors’ surgeries and hospitals that I and my extended family might use.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services we might need, whether we use them or not.

3. All Pakistani Government forms must be printed in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Urdu by English speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on British culture and history but I don’t want my grandchildren learning anything about Pakistan’s culture or history even though we’ll be living there.

6. I want my grandkids to see the British flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch. They should be given traditional British food that they have been used to eating in Britain. And please remember that one of my grandchildren particularly likes bacon sandwiches for breakfast, while another one is partial to pork sausages. While we’re on the subject of food, it goes without saying that we expect all meat sold throughout Pakistan to come from animals killed in the traditional British way – with a stun gun.

8. I will need a local Pakistani driver’s license so I can get easy access to all government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Pakistan, but I don’t plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won’t make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Pakistani police officers does not get the memo from President Zardari to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer. Oh and did I mention that one of my cousin’s grandchildren is a bit of a rascal and is always up to no good? If he’s caught breaking the law, I expect him to be let off with a caution every time.

11. We plan to fly the British flag from our housetop, put British Flag decals on our car, and have a gigantic celebration on December 25th. We do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals – we expect them to respect our culture.

12. I would also like to have a nice job (cash in hand) without paying any taxes, or have any labour or tax laws enforced on any business I may start. Also I don’t want any problems if I employ illegal immigrants at well below the minimum wage to help me earn more money for myself and my family.

13. Please have President Zardari tell all of the Pakistani people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I’ll expect free rent subsidies – no, it would better if I was given a large house for my extended family.

16. I’ll need income tax credits and child tax credits so that, although I won’t pay Pakistani taxes, I’ll receive money from the government. Plus my cousin has a bad back and cannot work so he’ll need Disability Living Allowance and Carer’s Allowance. Oh, and my brother eats too much and is very fat indeed. So he can’t work either. He’ll need Disability Living Allowance and Carer’s allowance too, plus he’ll need a specially-fitted room in the house you’ll be giving me and a mobility scooter to get around.

17. Please arrange it so that the Pakistan Government pays me £4,500.00 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enrol me free into the Pakistan Social Security program so that I’ll get a monthly pension cheque in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all of his people who fly to Britain from Pakistan. I am sure that President Zardari won’t mind returning the favour if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help


3 comments to Mr Cameron – can you please help arrange my family’s coming move to Pakistan?

  • shortchanged

    Don’t fancy your chances David, but best of British luck
    to you: pigs might fly, springs to mind.

  • right_writes

    “…pigs might fly, springs to mind.”

    Not in Pakistanland surely shortchanged?

  • shortchanged

    You are right r-w, must be going doolally, sheep might fly doesn’t sound right, somehow.
    Mind you, if I invoke the will of Allah, peace be upon him, anything is possible, although He must be running short of virgins by now.

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