Oh Tony, oh Tony , ooohh, aaaah, ooooh, aaaaaahhh, ayaieeeyaaaoooeeeyooooyaaaiii

As vicious and hurtful rumours spread of a love triangle including Rupert Murdoch, his delectable Asian wife Wendy and our very own Tony Blair, I�ve been handed the transcript of a recording made by the Iranian Intelligence Service (Iranian Intelligence? Sounds like an oxymoron. Ed.)

I don�t know who the speakers are, but let�s call the woman Wendy and the man Tony.

Wendy: Oh Tony, oh Tony , ooohh, aaaah, ooooh, aaaaaahhh, ayaieeeyaaaoooeeeyooooyaaaiii

A few minutes silence punctuated only by heavy breathing

Wendy: Oh Tony, you make boom-boom so good. You not rike Lupert. Him take Viagla, but still him linkry old cock useless, not stand up stlaight like you cock

Tony: Well, I�m a pretty straight kind of guy (Tony laughs at own joke)

Wendy: Tony, you Number One guy in world. Lupert old and lubbish man now. But you big Number�One guy

Tony: (through gritted teeth) I wish. I could have been President of the EU. Boss of over 500 million people. I�d have been more important than the president of the USA. I�d have been great. If only we�d joined the f**k*ng Euro. They�d never make someone from outside the Eurozone EU president. That miserable�f**k*ng boot-faced, Scottish f**wit Brown knew that. He knew I wanted to be EU president. That�s why he kept us out of the Euro. Just to spite me, the psychopathic sh*thead. And look what happened! Look who got the job I should have got! The damp, toe-rag Gollum lookalike, insignificant Belgian nobody Van Rompuy. I�ve got charisma, I�m a leader, I should have been the most important man in the world.

Wendy: But Tony, you velly big hitter. You get huge much money. Money number one�

Tony: No Wendy. It�s a f**k*ng disaster. Useless nonentity Van Rompuy gets the top job and I have to spend the rest of my life whoring myself out for just �20m to �30m a year to crap American banks and rotten, corrupt, oil-rich�Third World tinpot dictators.

Wendy: No feel so�angly Tony. Here. Let me gib you suckee suckee special Asian style. Make you whole much better.

(I cannot repeat the next 5 minutes as I have a family audience) Anyway, later

Wendy: Tony, Chelie she no mind you boom -boom me?

Tony: Cherie? That old witch (or it might be �bitch� � the recording is not exactly clear) doesn�t care what I do as long as the money keeps on rolling in and as long as she can keep on flaunting herself around the world�s movers and shakers.

Wendy: You Chelie velly rucky hab man rike you Tony. Me soon hab no man. Me divorce pathetic ord impotent Lupert. But me get velly much Lupert money. Lupert think he crever. But he just stoopid old foor – he like Asian pussy, now he gonna pay prenty much.

Tony: And I�m screwing his wife, just like I�ve screwed everyone else I�ve ever met Ha ha ha (Tony laughs at his own brilliance).

(No doubt, in today’s “take offence at anything Britain”, some readers will be offended by today’s post while others will think it just puerile. Hey ho, can’t please all of the people all of the time)