It’s a tough life being a male pornstar. Really.

It’s the weekend, so I thought I’d take a break from howling impotently about the incompetence and greed of our lying rulers (Cameron, Hague, Carney. Barroso, Ashton etc etc etc). Instead, here’s something I found floating in cyberspace. It’s written by a male pornstar giving 7 reasons why his job isn’t that great. I learnt a lot reading it. In comparison to this, maybe my modest sex life isn’t so bad after all.

1 You Have To Have Sex I know it sounds kind of crazy – that’s what you’re there for – but it’s true. Think about it: Maybe you’re horny all the time (as I generally am) but that doesn’t mean you want to actually “do it” every second of the day. We guys want to fuck when we want to fuck, right? Not when it’s “time to fuck”. Say it’s two o’clock in the afternoon. There are eight people in the room – you, the director, the girl you’re “working with”, the cameraman, the lighting guy, the makeup artist and some dude you don’t even know why he’s there – and suddenly it’s time to fuck. GO! Um, okay…

2. You Can’t Get It Up Every man’s nightmare is just an ordinary problem on a porn set. Sure, there’s Viagra and Cialis galore and you can pop ‘em by the dozen. But there are side effects to taking that medication so frequently, and the biggest one (no pun intended) is tolerance. In other words, your body actually builds up a resistence to the medication if you take it too much. So, after awhile, you can swallow handfuls of those little blue pills and they have zero effect (other than headaches and the possible loss of vision).

What to do? Inject your dick (yes, with a needle) with a more intense liquid medication that works instantly – and leaves the underside of your cock filled with needle holes. God knows what else it’s doing to your body. But hey, we have to get the shot, right? And what if you have an aversion to needles (or injecting some weird goop directly into your prick)? Well, there’s always someone (usually a dude) there to help. Ouch and Yuk!

3 Male Porn Stars Make Much Less Than Female Stars The usual rate of pay for a girl in the porn business can run anywhere from $800 a scene to $2,000 per scene, depending on the number of male performers she’s “accommodating”, and what the sex act actually is (like Double Penetration, threesomes, anal, creampie, etc)
How much do we guys make? On average: $200!! True, sometimes we can earn as much as $500 for a scene (and more, of course, if you’re a “name” star, like Ron Jeremy or Vince Voyeur). The thinking goes: Hey, you’re getting to fuck a gorgeous porn star so be happy you’re getting paid at all. But male porn actors have bills like car payments and rent, too, so we often have “day jobs” (or, “night gigs”, like waiters and parking lot attendants). After the cumshot you feel great but when you leave the shoot and realize you can’t pay your mortgage and have to do another shoot, right away maybe that day just to keep the creditors off your back, it’s not as much fun.

4 You Have To Have ‘Good Aim’ When it’s time for “the Money Shot” – the cumshot – the director almost always wants you to hit the female in the face with your jism. There’s nothing worse than shooting a hot scene and then, at the very end, with the girl on her knees, mouth wide open, waiting for your sperm, to shoot a giant load across the room barely getting a drop on her face! The director yells ‘CUT!” and sometimes they want you to do it again – and if you can’t, they bring in another cock for the splooge. Talk about ego crushing.

5 You’re Not Attracted To Your On-Screen Partner Maybe you’re not into breast implants (all that bouncing around can really hurt, especially if one of those silicone pumpkins accidently whacks you in the head). Maybe you only like redheads, or blondes, and the girl you’re fucking is a brunette and reminds you of your sister. Maybe she’s a little too fat, or skinny, or tall, or – you get the idea. It doesn’t matter if you HATE her or the way she looks, or smells, or tastes – you have to fuck her otherwise you’ll be replaced.

6 You’re Expected To Have Zero Hang-ups Maybe the scene is a threesome – with another guy and one girl! Or it’s a double penetration scene where it’s guaranteed your dick will at least touch another dude. Or perhaps you just find it uncomfortable to have a cameraman lean on your shoulders while he’s trying to get that close-up of her sucking your balls. Don’t like anal? Too bad. Don’t like eating pussy? Tough. Hate it when you’re expected to fling her around like Superman (against the wall, on the sink, over a couch, on a ladder…)? They don’t want to hear it. Just do it or get lost, we’ll find someone else!

7 She Hurts Your Dick Remember, your female porn partner is also trying to give a heated, passionate performance (her career and earning potential is on the line, too). So she bites your cock, jerks it really hard and fast, sucks those balls a little too intensely, moves her hips like she’s grinding raw meat trying to turn it into a hamburger. The list goes on and on.  And you won’t get any sympathy from the director, or anyone on the set.

(Tomorrow – some truly shocking figures about Britain’s overpaid, over-pensioned charity bosses)