“Herro sexy man – me like you”

Today I’ll take a break from recession-wracked, immigration-swamped, bankrupt Britain and instead travel to a growing, successful country – Thailand. Thailand is part of an Asian free trade area – an Asian common market – but without the massive corrupt, kleptocratic, power-grabbing, self-serving bureaucracy we have in the EU. In fact, countries in the Asian common market do not let unelected bureaucrats from other countries decide who can come to their countries and how much benefits they are entitled to. In Thailand, if you don’t have a job or cannot prove sufficient income to live on, then you don’t get in.

“Herro sexy man – me like you” is something I hear at least 20 times a day. I have sufficient self-knowledge to realise what is being offered is a clear commercial transaction. But many farang (foreigners) – usually the older, fatter, more tattooed, balder, badly-smelling versions – appear to believe the beautiful (and not so beautiful) Thai women with their come-on sales approach. Some men will just take the women for “short time” – one session of boom boom. But others may go for “long time” – up to a few days. In this case, the Thai ladies will display acting worthy of an Oscar and will constantly show their love and adoration of their new farang manfriends using phrases like “you cock velly strong”: “you do boom boom like 3 man” and “you make me many time come”. All this goes down very well with men who are usually so repulsive that they’ve never had consensual sex in their home countries.

But what’s this got to do with anything? Here it’s clear what is being sold. In Britain, sellers have become much more sophisticated. But when financial advisers, bank staff, lawyers, accountants and even dentists show great interest in you, ask about your life and laugh at your (often not incandescentally funny) jokes all they’re doing is a more subtle version of “herro sexy man – me like you”. So don’t get taken in. See them for what they are – greedy, self-serving and after your money.

One company that was especially good at disguising its selling was a bunch of shysters from an investment management company called St James Place. I attended a few of their meetings when researching PILLAGED. St James Place assigned a client relationship manager to look after me. He was surprisingly laid back and not at all pushy. However, during the first meeting an elderly man sidled up to me to befriend me and tell that he had retired and his wife had fallen ill. But fortunately he had been saving with St James Place and the wonderful investment returns they had achieved meant he could provide proper care for his wife. At the next meeting, the old chap headed straight for me and showed intense interest in my boring life and laughed so much at my worthless jokes that I thought he might have a heart attack. Of course, he wasn’t a real customer – he was just a stooge helping St James Place part people from their money.

And, by the way, if you continue your conversation with a Thai lady, you might ask “how much”. To which she will reply “700 baht” (about 17 quid). You may then hesitate about buying and so might ask, “you have baby?” Usually she will reply, “hab one – but no ploblem – pussy me velly small”. At that point, you either buy or walk away otherwise she might feel you are wasting her time. Should you then decide not to buy, she might bid you farewell using that charmingly traditional Thai form of saying farewell “Go f**k you. Big ass-h**e. Waste time. F**k you”.